Lee the Therapist
by AquaSkye16
Summary: R&R. Lee decides to be a youthful therapist for the day. What havoc does he cause? Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Lee the Therapist**_

Chapter One: Victims: Hinata, Shino, and Sasuke

Lee awoke feeling brilliantly youthful, and jumped out of bed and went to his closet. "What youthful outfit should I wear today?" he wondered, looking through all the sets of green spandex.

After carefully choosing one, he got into the shower and then brushed his teeth. Then he walked out of the door with a couple of wooden boards and nails. Youthfully hammering together a small stand, he then came out with three chairs and then with a large sign that read: LEE THE YOUTHFUL THERAPIST. He imagined Gai-sensei saying, "GREAT JOB, LEE!" and flashing a thumbs-up. Lee sighed in delight. Then he sat down and waited.

It was now 2:00 and still no one came. Lee forced himself to stay alert, but on the inside he was already knodding off.

"L-Lee? Wh-What are you doing?"

Lee immediately turned on and stood up. "YOUTHFUL HINATA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FINE MORNING?"

"Um…it's afternoon…nothing, really. Kiba went to a dog show and…well…Sh-Shino's…um…gardening…" the shy Hyuuga looked again to the sign. "What are you doing?"

"I am being a VERY YOUTHFUL THERAPIST! Would you like to sit down and tell me every single one of your problems, even ones I shouldn't be hearing?"

"I—"

"YES! I KNEW YOU WOULD!" Lee dragged Hinata down into the other seat. "So, what are your problems?"

"I…I, um…I would like to be more confident…and less quiet…so Naruto-kun would notice me a little."

"YES! YOU MUST BE YOUTHFUL!"

"H-Huh?"

"YOUTHFULNESS IS THE BASIS OF EVERYTHING! WITHOUT YOUTHFULNESS, EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE AND WE WOULD BE NOTHING MORE THAN UN-YOUTHFUL PEOPLE! EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MUST BE YOUTHFUL!"

"I—YES! YOUTHFULNESS!"

"YOUTHFULNESS!"

"YES! I UNDERSTAND NOW! I HAVE NOT BEEN YOUTHFUL ENOUGH! I WILL BE MORE YOUTHFUL AND NARUTO-KUN WILL NOTICE ME!"

"YES, HINATA!" Lee was crying tears of joy.

"I WILL GO AND BE YOUTHFUL NOW!"

"YES! YES!"

"YES!"

"GO DO THAT!"

"YES!"

Hinata ran off, and Lee danced around, singing in his happiness.

"GAI-SENSEI, MY FIRST CUSTOMER AND IT HAS ALREADY BEEN A BIG SUCCESS!"

"…Lee?..."

"SHINO! My SECOND SUCCESS!"

"…Hn?..."

"SIT DOWN, AND LET THE YOUTHFULNESS FLOW THROUGH YOU!"

Shino sighed. "Alright, Lee, but only if you stop that. You're really embarrassing me."

"OF COURSE!"

Shino sat down reluctantly, and Lee continued. "So, tell me your problems!"

"Well…"

"I KNOW! I KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS!"

"STOP THAT!"

"IT IS YOUR RIDICULOUS FASHION SENSE!"

"…Fashion sense?..." Shino asked slowly. "What's wrong with…my sense of fashion? I think that I am very fashionable, and my glasses make me look very mysterious and cool."

"NO! IT IS HIDEOUS! YOU MUST WEAR SOMETHING MORE YOUTHFUL!"

"…like what?..."

"GET A BOWL CUT, PUT ON A LOT OF GLOSSY HAIR GEL, AND WEAR GREEN SPANDEX AND TRAIN DAY AND NIGHT!"

"…no…"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS?"

"I…YES!" Shino stood up with a spark in his…sunglasses, and sprinted away at the speed of a caterpillar.

Tears ran out of Lee's eyes. "No…GAI-SENSEI! I HAVE FAILED YOU! I WILL PUNISH MYSELF—"

"Lee?"

"WHAT IS IT, SASUKE? CAN YOU NOT SEE I AM BUSY PUNISHING MYSELF?"

"Well…I just thought…that Hinata said that you were good, so I thought I could use some…counseling."

"OF COURSE! I WILL NOT FAIL YOU THIS TIME, GAI-SENSEI!"

"…okay then…"

"SIT DOWN! What are your problems?"

"Well…I just thought I might rethink my life. Living to kill someone is sort of depressing, and I don't even know what I mean by, "restoring my clan." I can't really bring them back from the dead."

"I KNOW! YOU WANT TO FIND YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE!" Lee winked.

"I…what do you mean?"

"THE SOMEONE YOU WANT TO BE YOUTHFUL WITH!"

"I…I know! SAKURA! REVENGE! REVENGE! REVENGE FOR EATING ALL MY TOMATOES AND ONIGIRI! YES! AND I KNOW THE PERFECT REVENGE! MAKING HER DRINK SO MUCH SODA SHE IS HYPER FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!" Sasuke stood up and ran away, in search of the unlucky pink-haired kunoichi.

"NO! NOT MY SAKURA-CHAN! REMAIN SINGLE FOR ME, SAKURA-CHAN! NO! I HAVE FAILED YET AGAIN, GAI-SENSEI! I WILL PUNISH MYSELF!"

"I think he lives for revenge…" Kiba sighed and sat down. "Don't punish yourself yet, Lee. I want counseling."

"I—THIS TIME, GAI-SENSEI, I WILL NOT FAIL YOU!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Lee the Therapist**_

Chapter Two: Victims: Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, Gaara, and Kin

"So, what are your problems?"

"I—being an Inuzuka!" Kiba confessed. "I want to devote my life to something other than DOGS! I mean, I've grown used to eating dog food out of a dog dish for dinner, but I want to be something more!" he got a dreamy look in his eyes. "I've always wanted to be a ballerina, and wear a pink tutu and play the Plum Princess in the Nutcracker. I also want a cat. A big one, with orange stripes and a creamy white stomach and wise, large almond eyes that I don't need to tend to all the time. And I want to become a citizen of France and grow a mustache and carry a baguette and look really cool next to the Eiffel Tower!"

"YES! THAT IS SO YOUTHFUL! I HAVE AN IDEA TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM!"

"YES!" Kiba cried, excited now. "YES! WHAT SHOULD I DO!"

"RUN AWAY AND HITCHHIKE UNTIL YOU GET TO THE OCEAN AND SAIL ON A CANOE TO FRANCE! THEN BE THE BEST BALLERINA YOU CAN BE! THEN SETTLE DOWN, GROW A MUSTACHE AND BUY A BAUGETTE, MOVE TO PARIS AND BUY A CAT, AND THEN WALK BY THE EIFFEL TOWER EVERY DAY WITH YOUR MUSTACHE AND BAUGETTE!"

"YES!" Kiba ran away, shrieking in pleasure.

"GAI-SENSEI, I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN SPREADING THE YOUTHFULNESS! YES!"

"Hey…guy…thin-guy…"

"Eh? MY FIFTH CUSTOMER! SIT DOWN! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS!"

"Well…um…I want to eat more! I'm hungry all the time! I want to eat lots, lots! But there isn't enough food! I NEED MORE NUTRITION! HELP ME!"

"YES! WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT! MOVE TO ITALY! PEOPLE EAT LOTS THERE! TAKE A BOAT! A CANOE! CANOES ARE YOUTHFUL!"

"Uh…do I have to row the canoe?"

"…" Lee pondered this a moment. "Get…A CANOE WITH A MOTOR!"

"YES! OH YEAH! ITALY, HERE I COME!" Chouji ran off too.

"A SUCCESS! GAI-SENSEI, I AM ON A ROLL!"

"…troublesome therapist…"

"SHIKAMARU! SIT DOWN! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS!"

"I…troublesome sitting…" but he sat down anyway. "I…I want to have a different troublesome outlook on the world. I think everything is troublesome…because it is troublesome…I think it's too troublesome to think of another outlook and it's far too troublesome to force myself to look that way…so I had to force myself over here even though it was troublesome…"

"YES! THAT IS A HORRIBLE OUTLOOK UPON THE WORLD! YOU MUST LOOK AT THE WORLD AS YOUTHFUL! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL! GAI-SENSEI IS YOUTHFUL!"

"I…I…troub—YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT! I WILL GO AND SPREAD THE UNTROUBLESOME WORD! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL!" Shikamaru skipped off.

"OH, GAI-SENSEI, I HOPE I HAVE MADE YOU VERY PROUD OF ME!"

"Hey, you…eyebrows…"

"UH…?" Lee's eyes widened and he pointed at his customer. "IT'S YOU! THE GUY WHO BEAT ME UP AT THE CHUUNIN EXAMS!"

Gaara looked at him. "You beat yourself up. I just helped a little."

"I—NO, Gai-sensei would not approve! I—I must…" his face brightened considerably. "Sit down! What are your problems?"

Gaara looked at the seat, and sat down. "I…want to stop killing people. I'm running out of people to kill. I want the population to rise again before I start killing them off again."

Lee stared at him and immediately cried, "NO! KILLING IS NOT YOUTHFUL! YOU MUST STOP FOREVER! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL, SO YOU MUST BE, TOO! IT IS THE YOUTHFUL THING TO DO!"

"I…stop killing?" Gaara's face brightened, or at least as much as it could. "YOU'RE RIGHT! THAT'S SO RIGHT! I'LL STOP IT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!" he got up and shook Lee's hand vigorously. "I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND JOIN A BAND OF HERMITS! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!" he ran away, waggling his arms, and he threw his gourd at somebody and it went CRUNCH.

"GAI-SENSEI! YOU MUST BE PROUD, FOR I HAVE EVEN TURNED THE BLOODTHIRSTY GAARA TO YOUTHFULNESS!"

"Hey, er, guy that I beat up…really badly…"

"Huh?" Lee cried out and pointed. "You're Zaku! The other guy who beat me up bad! With that other guy, Dosu!"

"Me." Dosu raised his hand.

"That's not fair! I wanted to beat the guy up, too…" Kin pouted.

"Dumb Kinny."

"Errrrgggghhhhh…"

"So…er…I SHALL YOUTHFULLY STAND! YOU THREE CAN TAKE THE SEATS! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS?" Lee then stopped. "WAIT! ALL OF YOU ARE DEAD! GAARA KILLED DOSY, AND OROCHIMARY KILLED ZAKU AND KIN!"

"IT'S DOSU!" Dosu yelled angrily.

"It's Orochimaru!" Orochimaru yelled angrily.

"THANK YOU! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS?"

"Me first! Ladies first!" Kin raised her hand.

"Lady. Hah." Zaku mumbled. "EEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"STOP TEASING ME OR I'LL MAKE YOUR NOSE THE SIZE OF ALASKA!"

"YYEESSSSSS! YES! STOB! STOB!"

"Yay. Now where was I?" Zaku nursed a nose the size of California while Kin continued. "I…" she put one foot on the table and flipped her hair. "Want to be a movie star. I want to star in LASSIE! And in the TITANIC II, in which the Titanic rises from the depths as a ghost ship and man-eating monkeys terrorize the world! I WANT TO BE A CELEBRITY, IF ONLY I WASN'T DEAD AS A DOORNAIL IN _NARUTO_! It was my first big shot, and now I don't exist anymore!"

"WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF YOU ARE YOUTHFUL! IF YOU ARE YOUTHFUL, THEN YOU ARE YOUTHFULLY ALIVE! JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO NARUTO, AND MAKE YOUR BIG COMEBACK! JUMP RIGHT BACK IN!"

"YES! I WILL! THANK YOU! MY FANS, STOP PINING OVER THE LOSS OF KIN! I WILL MAKE MY COMEBACK AS DRAMATIC AS POSSIBLE!" Kin ran away, with her ponytail whipping in the wind. A random person cried out in pain as the ponytail hit his/her face.

"Wow, she's happy…" Zaku and Dosu sweatdropped. "Okay, my turn," Zaku said.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Lee the Therapist**_

Chapter Three: Victims: Zaku, Dosu,

"OKAY! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS?"

"I…"Zaku paused and closed his eyes. When they opened again, they were moist and glittered as he continued. "I WANT TO CATCH THE LARGEST FISH IN THE WORLD!"

"A WORTHY GOAL! GAI-SENSEI WOULD BE PROUD OF THIS YOUTHFUL GOAL! GO, TAKE A YOUTHFUL CANOE AND SAIL ON AND ON TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH AND CATCH THE FISH! CATCH THE FISH YOUTHFULLY! YES!"

"YOU'RE RIGHT! WHY AM I WAITING HERE! I HAVE TO CATCH THAT FISH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE SO I CAN FIND THE LARGEST GRILL IN THE WORLD AND EAT IT!" Zaku, too, ran away in search of a canoe.

"ER, THAT IS A YOUTHFUL GOAL, TOO!" Lee waved him goodbye and turned to Dosu. "Dosy, you're next.

"It's Dos—oh, never mind."

"WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS, DOSY?"

"I…" Dosu paused and said, "Have you ever wondered is under these bandages?"

"NO!"

"Well," Dosu's voice lowered to a whisper. "I WANT TO BE A SUPERMODEL! I AM REALLY DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS! BUT NO ONE BELIEVES ME! AND I'M DEAD! SO THEY THINK THAT I'M A ZOMBIE!"

"DON'T LET THAT GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR WORTHY GOAL! TAKE OFF THOSE BANDAGES AND DEMAND THEY MAKE YOU A MODEL! YOU ARE YOUTHFUL! THEY CANNOT REFUSE YOU!"

Dosu's smile widened, showing shiny yellow teeth. "YOU'RE SO RIGHT! I AM GOING TO GO RIGHT NOW AND DEMAND THEY MAKE ME A MODEL BECAUSE I AM SO YOUTHFUL!"

"YES! YES! THREE SUCCESSES IN A ROW! I LOVE YOU ALL! I AM SO QUICKLY MAKING THE WORLD YOUTHFUL!"

"I…Lee? What are you doing?" Lee's female teammate, the weapons mistress, and wearer of sleeveless Chinese shirts, Tenten, walked up.

"Yes! Now time to convert my teammate, TENTEN!"

"Huh? Lee, when did you suddenly become religious? You're acting like a monk. And no, I am NOT donating to some church in Poland, I need my money for weapons!"

"Youthful flower! Sit down and tell me your problems! I am a therapist for the day, making the world youthful!"

"Hey, my life is perfect, thanks. I don't need to uh, be youthful."

"But you do want to attract the attention of certain someone, right?"

"Eh? Gai? Nah, you'll always be his star student."

"NO! One of my rivals! HYUUGA! The unyouthful one!"

"Neji? Yeah, sure, I guess I admire him. Sorta."

"No! While you admired him at first, your admiration grew into something much, much more! You do not admire him, no! No! You LOVE him with all your heart and soul! You devote yourself to him! But, if you are youthful, you can attract his attention and HE WILL LOVE YOU TOO! YES! BE YOUTHFUL, TENTEN! BE YOUTHFU—"

"SHUT UP, LEE!" Tenten and Neji said at the same time.

"Oh..." Lee inched away and tried to smile. "Ehehehe…didn't notice you there…Neji…"

Tenten and Neji cracked their knuckles. "Time to die."

"EEEYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHH!"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Lee the Therapist**_

BONUS CHAPTER: What happened afterward?

_With Hinata:_ "NARUTO-KUN! I AM YOUTHFUL! I AM MORE YOUTHFUL THAN YOU! NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!"

"HELP ME, SOMEONE! HINATA'S GONE BESERK! SHE'S CHASING AFTER ME WITH AN AXE! HELP ME, SOMEONE! SPARE ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE DISSECTED! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! NOTICE ME OR DIE, NARUTO-KUN!"

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_With Shino:_ Ino sighed. She sat on the bench outside of the Yamanaka flower shop and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself after what seemed like people coming in to buy flowers for a funeral.

"Yo, y'all! Am I cool or what!"

Ino's eyes snapped open. Shino was walking down the street like a model, wearing a very large yellow afro, with two large eyebrows and a "manly" mustache pasted on his face, and also wearing sunglasses with rainbow lenses that reflected like a disco ball in the sunlight. He was also wearing a hippie outfit with rainbow shirt and white pants and a peace-sign necklace, complete with high-heeled boots. Glitter shone and nearly blinded her. It was more ridiculous then what she usually wore. Even his bugs glittered like those silly plastic necklaces that are made to resemble jewels, but really only resemble silly plastic necklaces made to resemble jewels.

"SHINO!" she cried, squinting to see him. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO! TRYING TO SMASH WHATEVER DIGNITY YOU HAVE AND PUBLICLY HUMULIATE YOURSELF!"

"NAH! I'm cool," Shino made the peace sign with his fingers, "and mysterious. Babes'll flock me!"

"NO—" Ino sighed. "Whatever."

"OH YEAH! MEESA COOL! MEESA JAR JAR BINKS!"

_With Sasuke:_ "MMMWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAHHHHAAA!"

"SODA! SODA! SODA!"

"YES! MY PLAN IS WORKING! MY PLAN IS WORKING! MY—NO!"

"WHAT IS IT! WHERE'S MY SODA! GIVE ME SODA!"

"I RAN OUT OF MONEY!"

"Oh…" a large vein throbbed in Sakura's large forehead. "Well…in that case…"

Sasuke stepped away.

"GET HIM, MY PINK PANDAS! OH YEAH, I'M BAD!" Hot pink pandas with large foreheads charged out of nowhere.

"HELP! SAVE ME, SAVE ME! SPARE ME! NO! HELP! HELP! NO! NO! I—NO! STOP! LEE, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE IF I GET OUT OF THIS!"

"He lives for revenge," Itachi sighed. "Why doesn't he settle down and marry and have nineteen kids with a little cottage and a dog named Rover, like I did?"

_With Kiba:_ "What do you think it is?"

Kiba awoke with someone poking him in the arm. He immediately remembered what had happened…he had set off in his canoe and in ten minutes was in the middle of a storm and crashed landed on an island. He moaned groggily.

Coming to his senses, he found himself tied to a pole above a lot of firewood and several savages with painted skin and nose rings prodding him with sticks and carrying…torches.

"I think we should cook it now."

_With Chouji:_ **Here lies Akimichi Chouji, who sank his canoe before he even started the motor and drowned in the shallowest part of the water. Put food here, please.**

_With Shikamaru:_ Temari walked into Konoha, not even noticing Kankurou and Gaara going off in different directions. Then she noticed something coming her way. "SHIKA-KUN!"

"YOUTHFUL FLOWER, TEMARI! IS IT NOT AN UNTROUBLESOME DAY TODAY? I FEEL LIKE RUNNING LAPS!"

"Huh? Shika-kun, are you feeling okay?"

"I FEEL WONDERFUL! LET US RUN 500 LAPS TOGETHER!"

"A LARGE VEIN IS THROBBING IN MY FOREHEAD. I AM NOT RUNNING LAPS. EVER."

"HI! ISN'T TODAY A YOUTHFUL DAY!" Shikamaru asked Orochimaru in the fluffy yellow room. Orochimaru groaned and started to scream. "NO! LET ME OUT LET ME OUT! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THAT _THING'S_ DOUBLE! NO, PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!"

_With Gaara:_ "Sure, you can join our band of wandering hobos and not wash ever again and eat garbage and rabbit poop."

"WONDERFUL!" Gaara sat down. "WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER, MY YOUTHFUL FRIENDS?"

"Rabbit poop on sticks. You can call it Rocks if you want."

"Wait. You didn't tell me I had to eat rocks. Or rabbit."

"Wait, man. It's not really—"

Flames sparked in Gaara's eyes. "HOW DARE YOU HARM THE POOR, CUTE RABBIT! THE BUNNIES ARE INNOCENT! HOW DARE YOU! TIME TO DIE!"

"WAIT MA—AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"FOR THE BUNNIES!"

_With Kin:_ "AAAAYYYYYAAAAHHHHH!" Naruto cried. "Oh, hey Kin! Wait a minute, you're dead! Why are you here?"

Kin drew a few kunai and smiled evilly. "I'M GONNA BE THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS MANGA/ANIME FROM NOW ON! THIS WILL NOT BE _NARUTO_! IT WILL BE _KIN_, AND I WILL BE A COOL GIRL WITH BOYS FLOCKING HER AND I WILL HAVE AWESOME NINJA ABILITIES! WAIT, I ALREADY HAVE AWESOME NINJA ABILITIES! OH. RIGHT! TIME TO DIE!"

"AAAAYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Now Naruto was running for his life from TWO bloodthirsty females.

_With Zaku:_ **Here fell Zaku, who was already dead, because he rowed off the edge of the world. Aliens found him and dissected him and ate his brains. Then he disintegrated and became part of the environment. When the sun exploded and the planet smashed to bits, he floated in space, just mere dust. Eventually he landed on some asteroid that collided with another asteroid and created such an explosion that what remained of Zaku vanished. So Zaku died three times. Yay.**

_With Dosu:_ "Hello? This is Starlight Models? And who in the heck are you?"

The hunchback boy with hair that stuck straight up and a nose the size of Russia and a mouth that stuck out of his head like a lollipop stick sticking out of kid's mouth strutted up to the manager. "I'm here to be on the cover of your magazine for the next twenty years. OH YEAH! I AM GORGEOUS! AND I'M SINGLE, BABES, SO INCREDIBLY SINGLE! OH YEAH!"

"Oh, man. Take him away, boys."

"THIS DAY IS GETTING MORE YOUTHFUL BY THE MINUTE! HELLO, DOSY!"

Dosu groaned and yelled with Orochimaru. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE LIKE THIS! I AM GORGEOUS!"

_With Tenten:_ "You need more polish, Neji?"

"No, I'm good for now."

Neji and Tenten sat on a bench at the training grounds polishing their weapons. With a special guest.

"NNNNNOOOOOO! MY YOUTHFULNESS! MY UNDERWEAR! MY SPANDEX! MY SPANDEX UNDERWEAR! NO! GAI-SENSEI! YOU ARE SO MEAN AND UNYOUTHFUL!"

With Lee, hanging from the tree branch above them by his underwear with hands and legs tied.

"Wow, Lee, you're acting like you're the one with all the sharp, shiny weapons here." Tenten said.

"…."

**SPECIAL! **_With Gai:_

"One super-deluxe cheeseburger with three packets of mayonnaise. MAYONNAISE IS YOUTHFUL! CHEESEBURGERS ARE YOUTHFUL! SUPER-DELUXE IS YOUTHFUL! FAT BURGER IS YOUTHFUL!"

"I'll say so," Akimichi Chouza said.

"That'll be 5,000 ryou."


End file.
